It must be one of these, right?
You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.
—Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Somedays are pretty fucking awesome. I’m so happy today with where I am in life, it’s crazy how quickly things change.
welp, there goes that one. again. i always find some way to screw something up. i don’t know why i just can’t be normal or act like myself. what is wrong with me? maybe it wasn’t good for me anyway, but i kinda liked this one. too bad.
When burning bridges won’t come down.
Like symphonies without sound.
I spend these nights counting stars,
And I wonder if there’s hope for me out there.
- Thriving Ivory
There’s that one thing in life that fucks us up. Something that cuts right to the core and changes the very essence of our beings. And we turn to stone and we push it past us and keep moving. Because we don’t want to feel, we can’t handle the pain of remembering and thinking and feeling. And so we go, until we’re numb, until we are so good at blocking everything and keeping our hearts cold, we never have to feel at all. Because its out defense against getting hurt, if we tell ourselves we don’t care and we don’t feel it’s all okay, everything’s fine. We have those temporary moments, when our guard is down and we feel and we live and we love, and as soon as it happens it’s gone, because the second you let down your defenses you get hurt again. And it all comes rushing back, as if it just happened. We all have that one thing, and none of us will ever be the same.
because we’re all a little fucked up sometimes. and some of us get over it. and some of us don’t. but whatever happens, whatever ends up being, we’re all in the same boat, trying to keep our heads above water, walking the fine line between pretty okay and not fine. and so it’s comforting to think that i’m not the only one that feels this way. running myself into the ground, trying to make something of nothing. is this really just life? i can’t stand to think it will never get better, there must be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel that we’re all driving towards, or else what is there?
I was tired of being asked how I felt about things. These were the questions I didn’t know the answer to. I didn’t feel anything. I just felt that white expanse of nothingness slowly spreading to the edges of me.